


i think about you, but i don't say it anymore

by afteriwake



Series: nongentorum [31]
Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Established Mycroft Holmes/Molly Hooper, Gen, Jealous Sherlock, One-Sided Relationship, One-Sided Sherlock Holmes/Molly Hooper, POV Sherlock Holmes, Sherlock Has A Crush, Sherlock Holmes Has Feelings, Sherlock Is Not Okay, Sherlock is Alone, Sherlock is a Mess, Sherlock-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-28
Updated: 2016-06-28
Packaged: 2018-07-18 22:02:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7332253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/afteriwake/pseuds/afteriwake
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Molly asks Sherlock if he’s jealous of his brother. Sherlock thinks carefully of how to respond.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i think about you, but i don't say it anymore

**Author's Note:**

  * For [CumberCougars (lunacatd)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lunacatd/gifts).



> So this was written for my good friend **CumberCougars** as a belated birthday present, though I don't think it is _quite_ what she wanted (and as such I am _totally_ willing to write a more strictly Mollcroft fic as well). Her prompt was " _I would love a Molly/Mycroft fic but with Sherlock realizing too late what he lost._ " and for some reason, this became a very one-sided Sherlolly fic with background Mollcroft and is terribly angsty and while it's a _good_ fic, in my opinion, I'm not sure it totally fits the request? So I don't know. I hope you enjoy it anyway, dear. Title comes from a quote from  Hiroshima Mon Amour by Marguerite Duras.

“You’re jealous, aren’t you?”

He looked at Molly, who had tilted her head and was giving him a curious look, though not an accusing one, for which he was exceedingly grateful. He didn’t like to lie to Molly, but truth be told, he was. Oh, he had not thought he could be, but he was, to the very depths of his being.

He had never expected for the goldfish that his brother to take to be Molly. Never in a million years had he expected that, had he wanted that. To see them together now wounded him in a way he did not expect. He would see the smiles that Molly gave Mycroft and wish that they were directed at him, see her caress his face or hold his hand and wish that those touches were upon his skin. She would laugh at something he said and he would wish that it was he who had cheered her mood so much.

He had never expected to feel such an overwhelming amount of jealousy towards his brother over something like this. He had spent so long not caring for anyone or anything and by the time he realized that he cared for Molly it was too late. Her heart was given to Mycroft, and Mycroft returned it with full openness. It was a remarkable change in his brother, one that he would have been intrigued to see under other circumstances, but in this circumstance all it did was eat him up inside.

It was hard to pretend around Molly these days, even though he had all the necessary skills to be a consummate liar. He could pull any of nine-hundred different emotions at the drop of a hat and not mean any of them but with Molly they meant something and that made it even harder to lie to her. Any emotion he showed around her was true, for the most part, and the few times he tried to lie made him feel uneasy, made him feel as though he was being untrue to his friendship with her. But he could barely pretend he was happy for her and his brother when he wished he was with her.

But to take action on it, he knew he would lose her good favour, and he couldn’t bear that. He would rather push her away and know that the reason she was no longer in his life was because of his own doing than to have her cut off her ties with him herself because he’d colossally made a cock-up of things and it was unable to be fixed. So for now, he suffered, deciding to walk the line between doing and saying what was best for Molly no matter how much it killed him inside.

But perhaps it was all for naught. She was aware of how he felt, or else she would not have asked that question. And now it put him in an awkward position. Did he tell her the truth? Did he tell her that yes, he was jealous? That every time he saw her with his brother it made him die a bit more inside, that his heart ached and broke a little each time? That he spent hours awake at night wishing he had spoken sooner, said something, made a move, not been a coward? That he regretted not being as smart as his brother when it mattered most?

Or would he do as he had done for so long and stay silent, continue the falsehood and say that no, there was no jealousy, that he approved of her relationship with his brother and all was right with his head and his heart? Would he do what was the right thing to do, the honourable thing to do? Would he let the lies that were becoming harder to slip past his teeth tumble out once more to ease her heart so that she would be happy?

Because in the end, above all else, he wanted Molly to be happy. There was nothing more in the world that he wanted than for Molly to be happy, even if that meant she wasn’t happy with him Even if that meant that, eventually, he would need to remove himself from her life to ensure her happiness. Because there was no one in the world that deserved happiness more than Margaret Elizabeth Hooper, and he would do his damnedest to ensure she received it, even if it shattered his heart into irreparable pieces to give it to her. He would give her happiness at the cost of himself for all the hell her association with him had put her though.

With that final thought in his head, his resolution was firm, and so he shook his head, swallowing down all the emotions in his heart, the thoughts in his head, and put on the face he had perfected so well when he was with her, the face that betrayed no emotion other than fondness for her as merely a friend. He looked at her, looked her in the eyes, and said, “No, Molly. I’m not jealous at all. I wish you and my brother the best.”

The smile on her face at that showed she bought his lie, and that smile shattered his heart into a million pieces. If only he had realized earlier what he could have had.

If only.


End file.
